It is heartbreaking to know that my son will never run like a regular kid, never eat like a regular person, and will need constant care and supervision throughout his life. It is heartbreaking to see him try so hard to make a word with his mouth only to have it be his voice but no understandable word.  I think about these things constantly. But the biggest thing that breaks my heart is not knowing what is making him sad when he cries. I feel a bit helpless because I cannot help him or give him words of wisdom to make him feel better.

Just this evening, I went to hold him and spend some time with him. When I picked him up and set him in my lap, he put out his lip as babies do and tears started to fill his eyes. Why is he sad? I asked him but he cannot answer. Is he sad because his mother left him? Does his tummy hurt him? Is he sad because he knows he will never have a normal life?

These are the things that go through my mind when I am holding my son as he cries.

Through the time she has had this puppy; I have done nothing but clean up its poop and pee. I wake up in the morning before everybody else. When walking down the hallway I will almost fall on my ass while I slip in some sort of pee. While my coffee is brewing, I have to walk around and clean up pee on the tile and poop on my carpet. As most of you know my son is disabled and crawls around the house all the time. I have never had to worry but now I do worry about him crawling through some sort of poop or pee that I may not have seen.

Keep in mind that my girlfriend DOES clean up after the puppy, just not as much as I feel she should. The other night I put my foot in some pee that was right under my dinner chair. I told her about it and she did nothing saying she thought “I” had cleaned it up.

All of the little girls here in my house have stepped in poop while in their bedroom. Now, I am getting really annoyed. The house is starting to smell like pee because when the puppy pees on the carpet, my girlfriend will just dab it up with a paper towel or something, really just cleaning up the surface.

The other night I got really mad because my daughter stepped in poop while in her bedroom. She told my girlfriend and my girlfriend told her to go wash her foot off. She didn’t bother to find out where the poop was, she said she thought it was outside…it was too dark outside for the girls to play out there. So there I am, picking up dog poop, giving my son a bath, and cleaning up the kitchen all at the same time. All while she sat on the couch watching television.

I obviously got mad and told her the puppy stays outside now except for at night. At night, the puppy can sleep in our room because she does get up and let him out when he needs to go to the bathroom. This really pisses her off. She dosent feel like the puppy should be outside all day.

I’m sorry but I do not like to live in a house that smells like pee. I do not like the fact that the girls cannot be in their bedroom without worrying if they will step in poop. I will be DAMNED if my son crawls through pee or poop.

The other day I received a letter from Social Security stating that they had over paid me to the tune of $4300! They expect ME to pay this back because of their screw up and actually sent me a bill that I received yesterday asking me to pay them $83 per month.

I recently had my taxes done as well. I failed to qualify for the “earned income credit” for my children because they said I make “too much money”. I did however get some money back from the government, $2600. But, that money is being withheld because there is a discrepancy in my taxes for 2007! So really, I have not received that money at all. Last year received a refund of just over $7000. This really helps out a single parent or any parent for that matter.

Am I getting screwed over by the government? I think so. First I have to pay back $4300 due to their error. Then, I am NOT getting more money from my taxes because they say I was getting paid too much to qualify. I was getting paid too much due to THEIR error (see above). THEN, they keep the little bit that I am supposed to be getting because they believe there is a discrepancy in my taxes.

Through all of this I cannot stop thinking about the U.S. Census sending out letter telling me that in about a week I will receive my census packet. All the money that went into paper, employment, postage, ink, and everything else. That’s gotta be a shit load of money. Then not too long ago I received another letter saying “By now you should have received your U.S. Census packet”, WHAT THE HELL!!!! Another shit load of money.

I am really glad that a single parent such as me can get screwed monetarily by the government in so many ways. Then watch as the government spends money that really should not have been spent. It is disheartening to say the least. I am struggling to get by in so many ways, and then to feel like I am getting screwed by my own government is simply wrong.

So yesterday, my daughter was supposed to be standing by her coach waiting to go in. The whole team even discussed this matter at practice. Instead of standing by the coach, my daughter was walking away from her while hanging out with her mom. I had literally just told my daughter to go stand by the coach.

So when I saw this, I went jogging down to them. I told my daughter to get over there by the coach. Her mother said in a very rude voice, “She said she could come with me”. So I raised my voice and said “You’re not the boss, I am”! And told my daughter to get over there where she was supposed to be.  

I kind of screwed up because I did raise my voice, possibly embarrassing my daughter but I know I hurt her feelings because she walked back with her head down. I felt really bad for my daughter.

Then this morning, I received another phone call from a girl that I am “kinda” friends with. Years ago she went out with a good friend of mine. They had a kid together. I have no idea why she called me. It was 3:37 a.m. when she called. It kind of sounded like she was on something. So I asked if she was okay and she said she was. That was basically it. I hung up.

Now here is what sucks about the whole thing. My girlfriend spent the night last night as well. So I had to explain to my girlfriend “why” some other girl was calling me and “why” she was calling me so early in the morning. It made me feel very uncomfortable.

I have absolutely nothing to hide from my girlfriend. But I also know how this must have looked. I hope she understands that I would never ever do anything behind her back.

I took the girls down there this past Saturday and their mom said over the phone that she would be seeing the girls. This is how it has been since she and I split up. Apparently, the girls spent all day Saturday looking out the window waiting for their mother to no avail. Then, on Saturday night their mom called them. They were supposed to go to church on Sunday but their mom said they could “Either go to church or see her”. The kids obviously chose to see their mother.

While I was at a wedding reception with my girlfriend, I received a text message from the girls mom. It read…

Ex-Wife: What time are you getting them tomorrow? Could I just bring them home, say 5?

I answered: No. I have all planned with your mom.

I simply do not want my ex-wife here at my home because I have my own life and my girlfriend and her daughter are always here. I do not and will not put them in a situation to be treated like crap by the ex. Plus, she steals from me every time she is here.

The ex-wife’s mother called me just after I received this text message and asked me about the ex picking up the girls. I told her “No” because they already had plans and we were not going to adjust our lives to suit her.

When I picked up the girls the next day, I found out that their mother decided NOT to see the girls. Why? I have no idea. She had the opportunity and this is they way things have gone for a while.

Last night their mom called and talked to my oldest daughter. After their conversation, my oldest daughter said that “Mommy was going to call me about picking her up from school the next day”.

I have not received a phone call or nothing from her. Just one more disappointment for my daughters. Luckily, they have me to make things better and my girlfriend who treats them fantastically well.